i’m having a hard day today, so i’m listening to your music. i want to find the right words and let them all burst from my chest, but i also want to take a vow of silence and just let life pass me by. i feel so dejected today, so helpless|hopeless and angry. i know you promised that life is better than the death but i’m still waiting for the proof. i want to be a human before i do some art, i want to feel my feelings and truly breathe life in, but it hurts so i hold my breath. i feel lost and lonely and 나 혼자 섬에. i want to be alone but i don’t want to be lonely anymore. i want to go Home and stop hating the city i live in, stop hating my desk and my bed and my window. i want to be excited about opening my eyes each morning, about getting another chance to be human today, but i’m not. i’m waiting for the day to end, for my boss to let me go, for my rest day to come and go before i do it all again. i’m tired, Namjoon. i’m so tired and i don’t know what to do with that.

i want to want to write, i want to want to live, i want to want to breathe, but right now i’m 29 sinking in a bathtub sipping gin lookin for another club.

maybe someday i’ll talk to you, and that gives me hope to hang in here because i think you Get It. maybe maybe maybe maybe if i make it through today, i can talk to you one day. i want to want that.

-D